Capture My Heart Again

I used to write poetry. A lot of it. Most of it is pretty embarrassing, but some is decent... for a 16 year old.

On my Great American Road Trip God opened my eyes to the beauty in His creation. One night, at Castle Rock campground halfway between Yellowstone and Bozeman, Montana I sat in the back of my car watching the rain fall and contemplating God's creation. I wrote a prayer like a poem thinking of the Psalms. I figured I would go back to it, refine it, and maybe post it somewhere. I didn't.

Tonight in Bible study our lovely Erin opened us up in worship with the song Your Love is Extravagant. The Last line is 'Lord, capture my heart again.' I was immediately taken back to that moment. Coming out of Grand Tetons and Yellowstone, thinking about the big Montana sky and the rafting trip to come. I washed my face in the river and chopped firewood with my hatchet (then it rained! Oh well.)... My heart was captive to the beauty and glory of the Lord.

I'm back in Livermore now. God's love looks different here. It's love and sparkles in a latte (really), it's a snow cone, it's being nice to the creepy guy, it's girls Bible study, it's Derek leading worship... and it seems... less captivating. Easier to ignore, though no less real.

***

My Psalm (as written in the car that night)

Praise the LORD for His creation!!!

Father, Maker, Creator, Abba, LORD over all, Almighty, LOVE!

Thank You for Your creation, for Earth.

I know it didn't have to be this way,

But You delight in the beauty of the earth.

I can see now that all creation sings your praises.

Mountains point to You; they worship You in majesty.

Rivers bring life and sing your songs,

Waterfalls hint at Your power and rumble in praise.

Birds rejoice in songs,

Trees are sustained by You alone.

You are Life.

Thank You for sharing with me.

Teach me to love Your creation. To sing with the rivers and worship on mountians.

I love You, God. I love what You've made.

Thank you for finally giving me eyes to see!

May they never close again.

Amen.

Glacier National Park, Montana

release

In Your love I find release

A haven from my unbelief

Take my life and let me be

A living prayer my God to Thee

Return to Me

Well. I am back in Livermore. 

I got home at 6:15 this morning (I wanted to be back for Dana's birthday). People keep asking me how it feels to be back. I am not sure yet. I could have stayed on the road for months more, but the timing seems right for heading back. I hope I get more adventures soon. 

There are several adventures in Montana and beyond that I wanted to blog. You may or may not be seeing them here... but I think I will be starting on a book soon. I think this adventure/exodus/metamorphosis needs to be documented more thoroughly.

My computer says 12:32am. It's my birthday. I am 26... single, homeless, unemployed, and don't have my degree yet. sigh. I believe the Queen would say I am "footloose and fancy free". Let's hope there are more, greater adventures to come! Bangkok? India? Alaska? Yes, please.

Anatomy of Roadside Hygiene

Figure 1: Subject has not showered for six consecutive days.

God's give to travelers? Wet wipes. The face kind. The key to not getting stinky lies with the face wipes... they clear you face, your feet, your pits. It's glorious. 

Wearing makeup seems to be more hassle than it's worth on the road. Opt for gigantic sunglasses instead. They cover half our face not only making you seem more mysterious, they cover the sleep dust in your eyes when you're heading to the McDonald's bathroom to get dressed. 

The second best thing next to wipes is dry shampoo. Normally, I use Psssssssst!, but Dalene got me some salon stuff for Christmas. It works great for days 2 through 4. After day for though, the grime is too much. A headband does wonders- it says to the world, "My hair is supposed to look like this, thankyouverymuch." I have really embraced the headband on this trip for just that reason. (See above.)

Rivers are a great way to refresh your face and get your hair wet so it doesn't stick up everywhere... but mind the freezing glacial rivers of the north. They will freeze your scalp and give you a headache!

When you get really desperate buy some cheap shampoo (if you don't already use that crap)- it lathers really easily, then using a large jug of water (I used a gallon jug but didn't empty it) wash your hair. It feels amazing. Especially after having dirty hair for 5 days. If you are really lucky, there is a bathroom nearby with hand dryers. Kneel under the dryer and use your fingers to rub your hair and dry it out. Be warned: this takes forever. It's totally worth it though. 

Because I have been camping my nails got really dirty. I tried to clean them out with the pokey thing in the nail clippers, but nothing gets them clean like washing your hair in the shower... so I painted them. It worked great! Now I don't feel like the dirty chick with the gross nails.

I was going to write this post like a textbook. Oh well. 

ColoRADo

So, I love Colorado. Turns out I know, like, a million people here. It's beautiful, there is good food, good coffee (Stella's, The Cup, The Unseen Bean), nice people, it's easy to get around...

I spent a week in Estes Park with a bunch of 60 year old women, it was surprisingly fun. I loved hearing everyones stories. I can't see my story cause I am still at the beginning. I have chapters and anecdotes, but when one is 60+ they can look back and see the story. See where God intervened, where the plot twists... it's exciting. 

We went up to the mountains to spend a week studying the book of Esther (in the Bible). It was awesome. God is never actually mentioned in the book, but He is all over it. It's really an amazing story, and encouraging that even when you can't see God, He is there. He is working.

I am really excited to get to Seattle to see Cynthia... and really looking forward to the drive there through Wyoming and Montana... but I am not looking forward to leaving Colorado. I am staying with this awesome family much like the Haan/Johnson Bunch. It's cool to know them cause it gives me an idea of what it is like to be friends with our family... Plus they're rad.

Tragedy or Comedy?

Remember in Something Like Fiction with Will Ferrill was trying to figure out if his life was a tragedy or a comedy? My life hands down, no questions asked is a comedy.

I camped at East Harbor State Park on Lake Erie in Ohio last night. Yesterday morning I googled a campground that was cheap and nice and the right distance away from where I was. Thats the one that came up- it looked nice, had good reviews and, since it's a state park, I figured it would be cheap. 

I got there and it was $21 for a primitive site. Strike 1. I didn't leave myself another option and I was really banking on a relaxing morning so I went with it. At least they have showers and a beach. 

I got settled in my spot (near an old couple in an RV, but not too close) and went looking for the beach. I never found it. Strike 2.

Oh well, I thought. I'll just go back to my site and make some tea and read... I spilled 90% of my tea into the fire then it started to rain. Dang. Well, I'll just go get ready for bed and curl up in my tent and watch TV on my iPod. 

So I get my stuff out and start heading for the bathroom. It's locked. No big deal, there is another one on the other side of the campground. There are 3 people cussin' about the closed bathroom so I told them there is another one. 

The Cussin' Three had been birding all weekend and needed a shower. It was a dad, his daughter and her boyfriend from Bulgaria. They are from Southern Ohio. He used to live in Prescott. He saw 78 species of birds in one 8 hour stretch this weekend... and on... and on... and on. I got invited to go see the lighthouse (which I couldn't find in the morning), to go birding, and to breakfast. I felt like I was being punked, all I wanted was to wash my face and crawl in my warm sleeping bag. 

I finally shook The Cussin' Three and went back to my tent. I watched some TV and went to sleep. 

I woke up to... the garbage truck? No. What is that? I peeked out my tent at 7am to see construction workers, a dumptruck, an asphalt layer and all kinds of machines that do noisy things. Is this real? I tried to sleep through it, but when they got to the site next to mine I gave up and packed up. Strike 3, you're OUT.

I got packed up and hit the showers- at least there were free hot showers! Well. They said they were hot. I waited and waited and waited. No hot water. I took a cold (ok tepid) shower this morning. Strike... 4?

An SNL Sketch of my Life

So I am driving down Cape Charles to meet the Halvorsen clan in Virginia Beach. Most of this trip I have been listening to audiobooks and Bible studies. I finished listening to Genesis and decided to listen to some tunes the rest of the way to Va Beach. I hit 'Shuffle Songs' as I usually do since I didn't really know what I wanted to listen to. 

I don't remember what song came on first, but it was something I had put on a mix for Jimi- skip. The next song was also something that reminded me of him- skip. Then there was a love song- skip. Then a breakup song- skip. Then another Jimi song- skip. Seriously? This went on for a good 10 minutes until Shawn Colvin's The Facts About Jimmy came on. OMG, Really? Is this really happening right now?

Fortunately, it was hilarious. I felt like my iPod was playing a joke on me. Like I was on candid camera or something!

I turned it off and drove the last 20 or so minutes with the windows down and enjoyed the scenery music free.

Perspective (Title Page)

Note: If you have never read the Chronicles of Narnia you should. Also, I am ruining the ending of the last book. It won't make the stories any less amazing, but just know... this is a spoiler.

A week or so ago I finished the last book of the Chronicles of Narnia- The Last Battle. In it all the Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve that ever went into Narnia (minus Susan) were reunited in the New Narnia after the end of the world. 

They saw Narnia come to an end. They lost the last battle and Aslan came in and commanded father time to end and put out the sun. Then the waters rode to meet the heavens and froze cause it was so cold. It was all very depressing for the people around, but then something remarkable happened. 

They thought they were in a shed of sorts, but it turns out they were in New Narnia. Everything looked familiar, but somehow different. More Narnian than before. Bigger, better, more beautiful. They were encouraged to go "further up and further in" and they further they went the bigger and the more Narnian it got. It was better and better. Then they discovered that all the people they ever knew, even from ages past, were there. 

There was no hunger, no sadness. It was the New Jerusalem the Bible talks about in Revelation. 

^"1Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. ²I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ³And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:1-4

Back in England they were all in a train accident and killed. 

And suddenly everything came into perspective. This life is so short. In the book C.S. Lewis says they realized when they got to the new Narnia that the whole lives they led before that were not the whole story. Not even the first chapter. In fact, their whole lives were really just like a title page for the story that was yet to come. 

This life passes away so quickly. Listen to any old person for more than 5 minutes and they will surely say something about how quickly time flies. 

No matter what happens in this life, my future is secure. There is nothing I can do to screw it up, and no matter what heartbreak or sorrow I endure, in the end the One who made it all will wipe my tears and they will be no more. 

Hallelujah

New England, Old Home

I loved New England. From Boston I went to Salem, Cape Ann, the New Hampshire coast and up into Maine. 

Salem was kind of a let down because it was really touristy. They have really built an industry on their sordid past. I only stayed there about half an hour. Then I headed up to Cape Ann. 

Cape Ann is amazing. My Mom spent a lot of time there in high school and college and was able to tell me cool places to go. I stopped at the candy shop (cause, yum!) and saw the ice cream shop she used to go to. I drive along the coast to Rockport, home of the most photographed and painted building in North America. (Motif #1, and my yummy $5 dinner of calm chowder and a stuffed clam at left)

Rockport is the coolest place ever. I loved it! There wasn't much there, but it made me want to live on a fishing boat or something! There were buoys galore and good food and simple buildings... It felt like home. I can totally tell that that part of the country is in my blood. The further north I went the more I felt it. (And anchors everywhere!! Love it!)

I want to live somewhere rugged and cold like Maine or Nova Scotia. I'm pale enough! I love the idea of wearing boots and a big warm jacket and crunching through the snow down to the market to get milk and knowing everyone in the town. I want to live in a lighthouse and have to stay up all night during the storm making sure it stays lit. I want to eat lots of fish and lobster and clams and butter! Yum! 

Seeing my first lighthouse in York, Maine! I'm in love!!

Boston, Mass

I got to Boston a day sooner than I expected. I was listening to an audiobook (Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis) and didn't realize I was so close to Boston until I was there. I had planned to camp outside the city then go in and explore in the morning, but I guess that wasn't meant to be. 

I decided I would drive around and find a safe looking place to sleep in my car since I told the girl that Andrew Wolfe found for me to crash with at Harvard that I wouldn't be there until the following night. 

As it turns out, Boston looks really scary at night and I couldn't find any big commercial looking hotels with free parking. I ended up calling Alice, the Harvard student that kindly offered up the futon inn her dorm to Stella and me. 

It was great! It turns out she is from San Jose and we had a really nice conversation that night. It was really cool staying at Harvard, too. I have never been there before but have heard so much about it! (My half sister went there and so did Elle Woods!)

The next day, armed with a really good map I drove from Cambridge into Boston. I drove because there was no good parking on campus and it just seemed like a good idea. It was not. 

You see, I never get lost. Never. I have an uncanny sense of direction. Except in Boston. It was horrible. None of the streets make sense and I swear they move from spot to spot totally disregarding the map. On top of that Boston drivers are at least 10 times worse than LA drivers. Believe it. 

I freaked out. I called Mom bawling cause I couldn't find parking for less than $1 million per hour and I couldn't get where I wanted to be. Se encouraged me to just park at Boston Commons, pay the $10 million to park for the day and forget about it and enjoy the city!

So I did and I did. I walked the freedom trail from the Commons to the Old North Church. I had lunch (of amazing wonderful yummy clam chowder and lobster) at Durgin Park and I sat on the steps on the side of Park Street Church where Grandma and Granddaddy got married. It was fun to walk in my families history. 

Though I loved Boston and really, really want to go back with Mom and Aunt Janet I don't think I can see myself living there. I kind of wish I had gone to college there, but what's done is done. 

I do love Massachusetts though I could totally live on Cape Ann. And I especially love calling it 'Mass'... but more on that later.

All I need is You

Left my fear by the side of the road

Hear You speak

Won't let go

Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again

Father's love that draws me in

And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You

All I need is You Lord

Is you Lord

One more day and it's not the same

Your spirit calls my heart to sing

Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again

Where would my soul be without Your Son

Gave His life to save the earth

Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You

All I need is You Lord

Is You Lord

You hold the universe

You hold everyone on earth

You hold the universe

You hold

You hold

All I need is You

All I need is You Lord

Is You Lord 

© 2005 Cbs/Epic/Wtg Records

My Day in Boston

Not sure what to say about Boston. Mostly I am just blogging because I have internet access...

So I totally get why Elle Woods stuck out so much at Harvard. No one here gives a rip about what they are wearing!

Driving in Boston is way worse than LA.

Lunch at Durgin Park today cost a week of food money (I had lobster) but it was totally worth it. 

I walked the Freedom Trail. America is so awesome. 

The stairs pictured are at Park Street Church, my family has a long history with this church!

I am staying the the dorm room of a couple of really awesome girls at Harvard. They are so nice and SO smart! I went to the Harvard-Radcliffe Christian Fellowship with them tonight. It was smaller than I had expected, which was too bad cause Harvard is a really big school. It was a nice time and very friendly people. I am so enjoying being a part of random Christian communities across America! Thanks friends, for hooking me up.

Niagara Falls

The voice of the LORD is over the waters; 
       the God of glory thunders, 
       the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.

The voice of the LORD is powerful; 

the voice of the LORD is majestic.

Psalm 29:3-4

How can words even describe?

I am not really sure why I wanted to go to Niagara Falls. I just went. 

When Stella and I came around the bend in the path and I could look down on the falls it took my breath away! I could not believe how beautiful it was!! I saw people in boats at the base of the falls so I asked around and found my way to the Maid of the Mist boat tour. 

It was the best $13.50 I have ever spent.

Waiting for the boat in my rain gear.

I was excited like a kid on Christmas while I waited for the boat to come. I scrambled for the best spot on the boat- right at the very front. Going by the American Falls (they're a bit smaller- major falls, but not the famous one) was awesome, but the Canadian Falls... oh man.

American Falls

As the boat approached the falls the water got more and more rough and it got hard to keep my footing. My face screwed up and I began to cry like I was afraid, but there was no fear in me. I could not hold the tears back as I took in the greatness of the falls.

The boat sat for a minute near the base of the falls. It was all bright white mist, roaring water, freezing water splashing and misting on my face. I could barely stand and couldn't keep my eyes open against the freezing water hitting my face. My face got so cold I didn't think I could stand it for another second. I looked down at the water below the boat all white and frothy and I knew.

I knew that from now on when I read Jeremiah and the Psalms that I will understand them so much better. I saw God there. His power. What it is to fear the Lord. He is so much bigger than even Niagara Falls- He created them! 

The words don't come easy, I can't really explain how deeply Niagara Falls impacted me, but those falls are Holy Ground.

After the falls- I'm soaked!

Well, I've made it all the way to Ohio. I suppose the timing couldn't be worse, but it is in Gods hands. He knows. 

 I camped in Walton, Kentucky last night. I had a pretty little spot, but it was a pretty gross campground. If you can even call it that... there were at least 100 RVs and most of them looked permanent. As long as I kept my back to them it felt like I was in nature. Oh well. 

It was my first night in my new tent... The ground was very hard. I left the bed in my car set up 'cause it was supposed to rain last night and I wanted a dry spot just in case. I stayed dry as a doornail in my tent so from now on I think I will just sleep in it. Time to dismantle the car bed... well. Maybe.

Right now I am at Caribou Coffee in Anderson, Ohio (I think). I will get moving soon and will head up towards Akron (to circumvent Cleveland- I'm tired of cities) then up along the lake to camp at Lake Eerie State Park in New York. That's the plan, but only God knows what will really happen. 

Heres to adventures and a good day!

... and if I do write a book about my journey I will end it with something about what huge, diverse and so very beautiful country this is.

God is in New Orleans Part II

Sunset on the Mississippi

Last night I stayed with a friend of Tommy's (Tommy is Cynthia's boyfriend), she and her two roommates live about 10 miles east of the French Quarter. Everyone was home (and sunburned from the day's activities) when I arrived. We all (the roomies, me another visiter from Chicago) ended up sitting on the kitchen counters for a bit getting to know each other and catching up. It was great! There are so many wonderful people in our world. 

This morning I met the girls at church. They are part of a young church (been around for about three years, but has been meeting in a home until a few weeks ago) called The Gathering. It was a simple set up with really friendly people. I was introduced to a few girls and we got to talking.

As it turns out, I found myself in the middle of an incredible community of people! I had lunch (a lovely picnic in a park) with two girls that had been living in the area for a couple years. They told me more about their community. All of these people have been called from various parts of the country into New Orleans. Everyone I spoke to had originally come with a church youth group and decided to come back and stay. I'm not sure if they see themselves as missionaries, but they are. 

It was a beautiful Sunday and I met some beautiful people. Thanks, God.

God is in New Orleans

When I got to New Orleans my mind was blown. I got off on the wrong exit and had to take surface streets to the French Quarter. The neighborhood was incredible. There were nice houses next to piles that once were houses. Condemned buildings with children playing in front. I've never seen such a thing.

I had to drive about a bit to find parking. I could not wait to get out of the car and walk around! I walked a few blocks and found Cafe du Monde where I got beignets and coffee. So good. I'll have that for breakfast every day, please.

After that I walked around and got sort of depressed cause I was alone. My heart was sad. I called out to the Lord. I don't mind being alone, but I prefer not. New Orleans seems like it would be so much more fun with a friend. 

I stopped at Jackson Square and listened to a 3-piece band for awhile. The flute player, an old intoxicated man, started telling me about how he has been playing music all his life- that it's all he has. He is homeless. I shook my head and quietly said, "Me too."

The guy next to me was like, "You're homeless? That makes 3 of us." Huh? So I chat with this guy and it turns out he, too, is from the Bay Area. He quit his job and is aimlessly road-tripping across the country, too. He seemed pretty normal so we walked around the Quarter together for a bit. It turned out he is a Christian and we talked about our lives and our stories for a bit. Then I realized... I had cried out to God cause I was feeling alone and no more than 2 minutes later I had a new friend. 

Thank You, Lord.

"Houston, we have a problem."

Wow, what a couple of days it has been! Wednesday Dave took me to see The Faint and Ladytron at Granada Theater in Dallas. We got there a bit late- a couple songs into Ladytrons set. Halfway through a song they stopped and never played again. Their equipment broke or something, and being an electronic band, they could not go on. SO disappointing!! The Faint were totally awesome though and we danced our hearts out!!

Thursday I was going to go to Austin but randomly decided not to and went to Houston instead. I went to Johnson Space Center which was super exciting, but would have been much more fun had mom been there... then I went to Brazos Bend State Park (home of the alligator) and camped. 

Its a beautiful (safe) park, but I had a really tough time sleeping. It was too warm to sleep in the car really so I was awake most of the night with the door open. I am now covered in bug bites. UGH. Today I bought a tent at Target. Now I'll be cool and the bugs can't get me. 

Today I drove through Galveston Island on my way to Baton Rouge. It was quite the place, for sure. Everything looked old and beaten up- we can thank hurricane Ike for that. I've never seen that sort of devastation. It was depressing... and the water looked to angry! It was brown and raging, though the sky was blue. I didn't much like it. 

The best part of Galveston was taking the ferry back to mainland Texas. It was free and super fun!! I love being on the water. It made me wish I lived in the times where to travel to London I could take a 3 month boat trip from New York. I'd do it in a heartbeat. 

Now I am in Baton Rouge staying with the nicest family. Southern hospitality at its best! They took me out for cajun food. I had boudin balls, crawfish, gumbo and a shrimp poboy. I think my new life plan may be to move to Louisiana and become devilishly fat.

Tomorrow, New Orleans!!

Don't Mess with Texas

I got to Texas about 2 days ago. I stopped in Amarillo, saw the biggest cross in the western hemisphere and camped at Palo Duro Canyon (but never actually saw said canyon).

I loved driving from Amarillo to Dallas. There was so much to see! Every 12 to 30 miles was a town- mostly run down ghost towns with a few gas stations and motels along the highway. It was pretty amazing to see so many empty buildings. I'm not sure if it was sad or not... Several of the little towns looked like movies sets for old westerns- saloon and all! But deserted. What a weird place this Texas is. 

Everyone I have encountered so far has been super friendly and I am starting to get used to being called "ma'am". Dallas has less personality than the more rural parts of Texas and I am eager to move on... but I do love having a safe place to sleep! Tomorrow Cousin Dave and I are going to see The Faint and Ladytron at some cool old theater. I am super excited! After that, I will move on... to where I am not totally sure.

I want to see Johnson Space Center, but have no interest in the rest of Houston... I'd like to camp near the coast, but I am having difficulty finding a place. I'm going to go to AAA tomorrow to get some travel books- hopefully that will clear things up...

A Cabin in the Woods

Last night, as I lay in "bed" (it was a car-camping night) trying to sleep, I found myself dreaming of a new kind of life. 

In this life I lived in a small, sparsely furnished cabin in the woods. It has an oversized comfy couch and stone fireplace, bookshelves, a simple bed and little else. The cabin overlooks a lake with a small pier with a little wooden boat tied to it. Above rise high, snow-capped mountains. 

I live in this cabin with my mate. We sleep as late as we want (though we usually rise early) and drink black coffee. We chop wood, swim in the lake and sit on the porch swing we built- sometimes talking, sometimes not. We read a lot and pray a lot in this quiet, simple life. We live pretty far from the nearest town so we grow our own vegetables have a couple chickens. 

In the summer we like to sleep on the porch and count the stars. I think about jumping into the lake spontaneously in the middle of the night, but always chicken out. I don't want to get the sheets wet (but really I am scared of being eaten by a monster).

In the winter I curl up in front of the fire in my cashmere sweater and read while I drink tea. One day soon we will go out and tell the world about Jesus. We'll have adventures and change the world... but for now we are getting to know the God we serve. We are still.

And it is so good.